I guess it's nice to see relatives outside of Chinese New Year, but not this kind of situation though.
For grandchildren my generation, I suppose my brother's the one most affected. Afterall, he's the one that's most close to my grandpa back in those kampong days, when the latter will pluck durians from durian trees and give it to my brother for breakfast.
It's a relationship I can never understand and feel.
He is indeed a blessed man-- to have this grandson visit him everyday.
Not sure how my brother feels-- happy or sad that he's the only one my grandpa can recognise and call out to.
He is indeed a blessed man.
It's Wednesday afternoon.
I have a 2-day workshop to attend tomorrow and Friday. It's a stayover thing, but I don't think I will.
I wanted to apply for urgent leave but realised that my annual leave of 18 days is prorated which leaves me to about 5 days now.
I need to 'keep' the leave for later.
One good thing though- all the relatives are back, including my uncle who rushed back from Sweden. That's good. Everybody's present.
I'm in a situation. It sucks to be in it, and sucks more not to be in it.
Some say it's just a matter of days. Days never felt so long.
My mum said he'll be leaving with a smile.
I hope so too, and I know he will.
Looks like my plans to go for a Hong Kong/Macau trip is giving way to a Hokkaido one!
Reasons:
-- It's really hot in HK and Macau. I was in Taipei last July and the weather was averaging 34 Celsius.
-- The air tickets are not as horrendous as I thought they are. (Well, maybe after all the dosmetic fares and Airport Limousine tickets the final cost will blow me off my chair...)
-- It probably won't go over 30 Celsius in July in Hokkaido even though it's Summer.
-- I'm dying to wear my boots and put on heavy makeup.
-- I want to see the lavender and sunflower fields there.
-- I want to shop for Japanese products that I used to buy regularly.
-- Dying to visit a place in Hokkaido where they make amazing musical boxes.
And some other random reasons that popped to my head and went off...
~~Hokkaido, I'm coming!!~~
P.S. Welcome all tips and advice about travelling there. Hmmm... 5D4N enough??
I got another small praise from a different controller last night. Not bad, but there's still a lot for me to work on.
Looking forward to the weekend. Want to walk around the Esplanade for some fresh air. But then, it's the school holidays and you all know how I feel about young kids and crowds on a weekend.
Well, shall see about it.
Really need to read up more on the aircraft pushback procedures though; it's going to make or break my next cycle.
A nice start to this cycle.
The controllers let me transmit and do all the work.
"You throw someone into the pond, he/she will struggle to float."
Yah. I'm in the pond now.
One controller said something really encouraging-- "I can see that you can do this job. After so many years here, I can roughly see who can make it and who cannot. You have the potential."
Woah. That's nice. But my mind started generating-- "Hah. Maybe he's just saying that to make you happy. Afterall, he's not your instructor or the person that's going to pass or fail you. No obligations with the statement."
Well, very important for me now not to be too confident and proud just because of one remark from one controller.
I know my weaknesses, and I'm trying to hide them while working on them.
A lot more to learn and remember.
Maybe it's the weather.
Maybe it's the new environment that I'm in.
Maybe it's the new bunch of people that I have to work with.
Maybe it's just me not wanting to put in the effort.
Maybe it's me being over-confident.
Maybe it's me realising that I've gone too far in the mental game that I'm playing.
I guess I might not be as tough as I think I am. I thought I could handle the people and whatever that's thrown at me. But things don't look good.
I need a breather. So please don't be offended if I ignore you or sound hostile. I don't mean it. I just don't have the extra energy this moment.
I'm in a denial stage.
I know things are going to happen.
I just don't want to face them.
I'm just being negative...
I'm taking things too seriously.
It's not a bad day; it's a not-so-good day.
I will survive.
After all, I've heard nastier things in my previous job.
I will survive!
Bad Day
I had a bad day in the tower. Just bad.
Will blog about it later.
Off to shower.
Updates
I finished my primary theory course at the end of May, and am now in attachment.
Lots of new things, politics, and manipulation in play.
My batch is famous, because one of us 'managed' to do the near-impossible-- fail the primary theory course and NOT make it to attachment. Well, IMO, it's so much better for him, cos he's always talking about our miserable pay and that peers out in the corporate world are earning much more.
I just can't be bothered with this kind of people when they claim that their heart is in this job but always looking for better options.
In this attachment, my class of 7 remaining trainees are split into 4 teams, and sent to join the 4 watches (groups) in the tower. I think you guys who know me well-- I would so prefer to work with males than females, for the plain simple reason that the latter species are more decisive and not straight to the point.
But as 'luck' will have it-- I'm paired with a girl.
... ... ... ...
I've only spent 2 cycles in the tower with her and I can feel my patience dipping.
--Whenever I'm taking a break, she'll be RIGHT next to me, just short of breathing down my neck or into my ears.
--She'll be asking me what I've learnt. Hellooo? We're working with the same bunch of people. Why don't YOU ask them?
--She'll be asking me about what to do. Hello again? We're here on attachment, to learn as much as possible, not her for a Girl Scouts Outing where TEAMWORK is key.
Bottomline, I'm a bitch. And it's obvious that I'm keeping my distance from her. If the others in the tower want to judge me because of this, go ahead. (I'm sure they already have lots of comments about me due my previous job.) I want to learn the most that I can, bring the knowledge back for the practical part of the training, and perform well enough to pass it. I'm not here to be someone else's nanny or care giver, who make sure that she don't do anything wrong.
Argh.
You people can keep the Miss Congeniality crown. I'm taking the Most Bitchy/Most Selfish/Most Unfriendly Award with pride.
Bite me.
Finally... everything is up and running on my new blog template.
Of course, it's not designed by me.
New layout for my blog.
Still trying to customise it.
Work In Progress
Looking for a new blog skin.
Give me some time. Erm, think I need MORE time.
I'm Feeling Better
Thanks to my good friends who sent me messages and lent their shoulders.
Send me the drycleaning bill...
I'm feeling better.
At least for now.
It's Hard
It's hard, with all these feelings and thoughts running around.
I want to be strong. I need to be strong.
It's only human to cry.
I know.
Helpless
I know this is inevitable. But sometimes people just look the other way, hoping that they won't see what they fear most.
It's all self-deceiving.
I got a warning earlier in March. Then, I cried. Now, I'm crying again.
There's nothing I can do. Memories are flashing, and I'm not sure if I want to look.
