Lazy Afternoon with a Hot Coffee

Feeling Exhausted Emotionally

Just reached home about 3 and a half hours ago, from a 9-day Vegas/LA pattern. Vegas was great-- too many places to go, too little time. Will upload some pictures when I'm feeling more energetic.

Was just reading a friend's blog and she mentioned about me. Makes me feel 'aaawwwwwwww' all of a sudden. Honestly speaking, we didn't hit it off well at first when we met each other. I suppose I can call our friendship one of those-- too bad it's too late. But then again, perhaps that timing was the best, because we know our 'pattern' better. Hahaha.

She's away in a foreign land now, and leading the life that she wants with the person she loves. It's not easy... IMO, to decide to be with someone for the rest of your life and share all happiness and woes with him/her. Some people search their whole lives, and never even gotten close.

She says in her blog that she'll remember me with my smile and independence. I wish I can say a big THANK YOU with absolute pride and confidence. But as I spend more time in this job, I find my confidence and esteem being stomped on over and over again. Most of the time after a flight pattern, I get so relived-- not because I don't have to serve nasty passengers onboard, but because I can get away from the hypocritical, fake, totally pointless front I have to put on.

I know it's part of the job to smile, behave elegantly, and just try to be the perfect lady/woman/girl/female that I can be. But after the working hours? I still have to greet any seniors I see, be it in Japan, or Singapore. Trust me when I say that there can be a thousand ways that a simple "Hi! I'm so-and-so from Batch what-ever. Nice to meet you" can go wrong.

These are the times where my smile has to be forced. I will proudly say that when I'm greeting passengers during boarding and disembarking, my smile comes quite naturely and brightly. I just hate myself for having to 'push' my smile onto the skin surface and make it stay for a few minutes while I introduce myself.

Why do I have to put myself through this sometimes humiliating and stressed situation every few days? For the money and glamour that comes with the job? Maybe. So that I can get along well with the seniors? No... I just want to hide in a corner and be as invisible as I can.

Once in while, my heart will be crying on the inside and my smile frozen on the outside. First rule in the job: No Tears Allowed.

I'm still trying... still trying.

posted by A Lone Fighter @ 11:00 PM