Lazy Afternoon with a Hot Coffee

Hate Being A Sellout

I hate myself like this-- a sellout.

Here's what sparked it off: My Dad picked me up from the airport last month after a flight and a colleague took a ride with us also. had little choice but to continue talking with her on the way back. I'd really prefer a nice quiet ride home. But it's a long way to her place and then back to mine.

After she got off, my Dad said something that made me think.

"You really like to smile and laugh."

I guess the main reason he said that was because I haven't been doing much of that at home since I started this job.

Sure I do laugh along at the 'jokes' and I smile a damn lot on flights. Yet, hardly any of it is REAL and TRUE.

I feel like I've turned into my own nightmare-- some girl who laughs along at bad jokes, smiles at people she berates her, and acts cute & agreeable in front of everybody.

That's not me.

I want to go back to the old me. The old me who laughs at things I find funny and everyone else find stupid; the old me who says her mind; the old me who would gladly take up a challenge when someone disparage me. Simply, the old me who started everyday with a smile and end it with a laugh.

I met up with an old friend several weeks back and she mentioned-- "You look better, slimmer, but not happier. Are you happy?"

Am I happy?

I guess not. Looking back at my blog entries, I found that there're so many of them talking about how unfairly I felt I've been treated, how I hate my job, how I hate my company and the people I have to work around... None of them really showed any sign of happiness or relaxment.

There might have been short periods of crazy shopping, drinking, partying, flirting and eating; but none of it really helped to get me gain the happiness back.

I want my old life back. I want my old, laughing, silly-at-times self back. And if it means quitting my job for that, I'll do it. I lied to myself months ago that everything will turn out fine, I'll get used to stuff... I just can't bring myself to lie anymore.

posted by A Lone Fighter @ 2:27 PM